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I find myself looking at the beginning of the week, but thinking about endings.
They seem to be popping up everywhere. One friend is out of a job after 21 years. Another struggles to say, "goodbye," to a beloved grandparent who lived a full and wonderful life of 91 years. Still another weeps over the end of a relationship.
I look at what a hard time most of us seem to have with endings. This is true, even though we all have this unspoken understanding and agreement that everything will have a beginning, middle and an end.
Every thing that is born will die. We know that. Even the longest relationships will end when one of the partners dies. As far as jobs go, this isn't France. No one is guaranteed lifetime employment. We know all that in our heads. Yet when those endings come, we still are often shocked, surprised, hurt and even offended.
"How could they?!" "Why is he being this way?" "Why did God do this?"
I don't have the perfect answer for this human condition. I do think the initial shock is supposed to sting, even ache. I'm beginning to suspect, however, that the amount of ongoing suffering has to do with where we put our attention. Stare at the missing gap, everything that is no longer there, that is not on its way, that you were cheated out of, and the ouchy-ouch is sure to stick around.
But do just a slight sight adjustment focusing instead on gratitude and things begin to ease up a bit. Instead of indignation over what is not there now, how about giving thanks for what showed up in the first place? Were you not blessed to have that job, relationship, or loved one show up in your life? What happens to that feeling inside when you give thanks for that gift? I think it changes.
I once read an interview with a famous TV personality. She was talking about the loss of her husband at a young age. When asked how that affected her family, including her daughters, her response was, "There's no doubt we were cheated," she replied, thinking of all the years she and her girls won't have with this husband and father.
"What an interesting message to herself and her daughters," I thought. Life delivered her a great love, a wonderful husband, a father of two wonderful girls, and she was cheated? What does that say to so many who are still looking for love, the partner, who long for the child? To the kid who never had a father to begin with?
I don't mean to judge that particular woman. And I certainly try to avoid he game of comparing pain. I just thought it was an interesting perspective.
I know I don't judge because I'm also watching another phenomenon. I've come to the realization that each of us gets certain passes and blessings on hard stuff. Of course, we tend to take those for granted. For instance, I get a pass on food. While many people I know struggle with their weight or obsess about what they can and cannot eat, I just don't think about it. It happened again this weekend. Went for high tea with a friend who marveled when I left half my pastries on my plate. I hadn't even thought about it. I had tasted everything I wanted and was done.
This is not to say everything is so easy for me. And therein lies the rub. I also believe that we each get something that is so tough to let go that seems so easy for others. We tend to use those comparisons to beat ourselves up. "Why can't I just get on with this?"
I'm far from perfecting my goodbyes. But, I'm working on it. I thought while I was doing that I would send some love and compassion out to any of you out there who are working on, maybe even struggling with some kind of ending in your life. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. That it's okay for this to be your hard thing. That if you look around, you will find something that has actually been easy for you that is hard for others. And that yes, even though missing and longing can be hard, isn't it magnificent that that gift showed up in your life in the first place? I celebrate that gift and support your working through the hard times. I send you much love.
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